I pulled up my old blog after a twitter conversation today and want to reflect on where I am now.
The short answer is that I've built a very different life then I ever imagined for myself. I've left science behind and become an expert at configuring a business operations and project management system called Workfront, and have a nice career at a small consulting shop where I'm recognized for my problem solving capabilities. I've spoken at a technical conference and hope to do again in the future.
I work from home most of the time and get to travel and visit client sites semi-regularly. I've had to adapt to some health issues that arose from all of the stress of the hospice situation. I can't work 80 hour weeks, and I really don't want to anymore. I try hard to turn work off at the end of the day and have some semblance of work/life balance.
To stay in touch with my love of education, I tutor a few students in Math and Chemistry. I love it and my students are successful. I may eventually work on shifting the balance to more tutoring and less consulting, but there is a world of difference in the pay. I've never been graced with children, but am working on some emotional and housing issues to be at the point where we can bring older foster children into our home.
Through this all I've learned that I can be happy as a regular fish in a small pond. I don't have to be the best, the most anything, to be successful. 99.9+% of those that shoot for greatness fail. It's alright to be itty-bitty. Hollywood is a horrible template for life. Most tragedies play out in slow motion, most melodrama can be avoided with a change in attitude, and even when shit happens, most of us have to go on and rebuild their lives.
Maybe I'm no longer in the fast lane. But this country by-way feels pretty good. Yes we need on-ramps back into the fast lane of careers, but we also need to slow down and accept that there are many faces of success.
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Reporting on Fear – Keep calm and turn off the news
Ebola is a dangerous disease. It’s the stuff of horror movies. Vomiting blood, bleeding eyes, liquid
bowels. It’s scary. There have literally been books written about
how dangerous this disease feels. Here
is a well written one: The Hot Zone http://smile.amazon.com/dp/B007DCU4IQ/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_txyvub10YPTFM
It’s also pretty easy to quarantine and control. You aren’t contagious when you aren’t
sick. That is a huge win for public
health. It’s pretty easy to ask people
to take their temperature every day and wash their hands. When someone isn’t projectile vomiting on
you, you are not going to be sick by being within 40 feet. You aren’t going to be sick from a sneeze on
the subway.
But wash your hands and be careful about your contacts after
being in contact with Ebola patients doesn’t make good news. Reporting is about selling fear. Pay attention to the news or you will die
gets a much bigger audience then this is a cool story.
Our medical professionals who are literally putting their
lives on the land to volunteer in Africa should be treated as heroes, not
prisoners. But Ebola is in on backyard
sells papers. Nurse is still healthy
after serving in Africa is less so. A
daily log of her temperature isn’t riveting news.
Nigeria had a handful of cases of Ebola after an infected
traveler arrived. They implemented
immediate hand-washing stations outside of buildings. People waved instead of kissing for a few
weeks. The chain of infection stopped
quickly. They are now once again Ebola
free.
There are a lot of people who live in fear of the
end-times. This isn’t it. Be calm and turn off the news!
Feeling Helpless when you are use to being Helpful
I’m someone who always has to be busy. My hands and my brain just always need to be
engaged. Even at night I’m usually
listening to an audiobook while I’m settling into sleep.
Two nights ago my back twisted into a giant ball of
pain. After a long day I finally found
an effective pain medicine and my back relaxed back into position. But I still needed to relax and rest
today. Usually that’s a normal Saturday
for me, but today a friend came over to help me clean. I just wanted to reach in and help. I hated just sitting there.
Then I reflect back on this last week. An acquaintance of mine is in the same
Neuroscience Intensive Care Unit where my dad spent the first month after receiving
his brain tumor/cancer diagnosis. My brain
immediately spun into helpful mode. I
even tried to pay a visit, and realized that I was there for me, not him. I sat in the waiting room for a while and it
was cathartic for me to remember this period of time and mentally thank all of
those that people that helped us then.
It was also a good place to remember how God carries you through those
most turbulent days.
God uses us as hands to help people through those rough
patches. We need to be willing to
help. We also need to be willing to
accept help when things get beyond us.
My heart failure requires me to pace myself, but even while walking
slowly through my life, I can reach out a hand and help.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
The power of a label, jumping to the wrong conclusion
When you know that you are sick, but all the tests come back negative; it's a very frustrating place to live. But our modern medical system doesn't allow for diagnosis unknown. Every interaction between a patient and a provider requires a procedure code and a diagnosis. Thus doctors are required to work under a presumptive diagnosis. Within 30 seconds, most doctors have labeled a patient.
And it's these instant labels that are the problem. If a doctor labels a patient as a drug-seeker, he may never ask the questions that say why she is in so much pain. My balance problems were written off as a drug interaction, until I had insanely overactive reactions to a vestibular eye motion provocation test. When I was in the emergency room with chest pain and trouble breathing, I'm sure the instant diagnosis was panic attack. Luckily the doctors followed the heart attack protocol and my second cardiac enzyme test came back positively. With a bedside echocardiogram, they found significant heart failure and I was in the hospital for 2 days of observations and testing. It would have been an easy miss, and if I went home and assumed the shortness of breath as asthma; steroids and albuterol would probably have further trashed my heart.
Now all of us use these instant labels in real life. Instant classification is encoded deep within our brains. Its learning to push yourself past these labels and identify the real person inside that can be a challenge. The black teens gathered on a street corners are presumed to be discussing drugs and not calculus. A teenager playing with smoke bombs and explosives will either be classified as scientific prodigy or a troublemaker depending on their looks and history.
And all too often a teacher will classify a student almost instantly, and will shape their interactions with the student based on this label. Your brother was a slacker who never worked hard, so I don't expect you to succeed. Your sister was a star student, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and really push you to your best.
And if these labels are based on the color of your skin, your ethnic heritage, your financial background or even your looks, you are going to deal with these labels in every interaction with a new individual. Having to wash off that label with every interaction in your life is exhausting.
If you are a white male who graduated from a fancy ivy league college, you're assumed to be a competent, intelligent individual until proven otherwise. If you are a black student at the same fancy college, it's presumed you didn't really earn your place. If you are an attractive woman in the workplace, it's assumed that you are eye-candy and not a professional. If you are obese, you are labeled as lazy and stupid.
It's these labels that make an individual's path through life either a stroll down the boardwalk, or an uphill climb. And while I have a lot of the positive checkmarks, even overcoming one stereotypical label can open your eyes to the lives of those stuck with labels that can't erase.
So take time to get to know someone new in your life. Whether it's at church, at work, at school or a neighbor; learn who the person is and move past that label you stuck on their chest.
And it's these instant labels that are the problem. If a doctor labels a patient as a drug-seeker, he may never ask the questions that say why she is in so much pain. My balance problems were written off as a drug interaction, until I had insanely overactive reactions to a vestibular eye motion provocation test. When I was in the emergency room with chest pain and trouble breathing, I'm sure the instant diagnosis was panic attack. Luckily the doctors followed the heart attack protocol and my second cardiac enzyme test came back positively. With a bedside echocardiogram, they found significant heart failure and I was in the hospital for 2 days of observations and testing. It would have been an easy miss, and if I went home and assumed the shortness of breath as asthma; steroids and albuterol would probably have further trashed my heart.
Now all of us use these instant labels in real life. Instant classification is encoded deep within our brains. Its learning to push yourself past these labels and identify the real person inside that can be a challenge. The black teens gathered on a street corners are presumed to be discussing drugs and not calculus. A teenager playing with smoke bombs and explosives will either be classified as scientific prodigy or a troublemaker depending on their looks and history.
And all too often a teacher will classify a student almost instantly, and will shape their interactions with the student based on this label. Your brother was a slacker who never worked hard, so I don't expect you to succeed. Your sister was a star student, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and really push you to your best.
And if these labels are based on the color of your skin, your ethnic heritage, your financial background or even your looks, you are going to deal with these labels in every interaction with a new individual. Having to wash off that label with every interaction in your life is exhausting.
If you are a white male who graduated from a fancy ivy league college, you're assumed to be a competent, intelligent individual until proven otherwise. If you are a black student at the same fancy college, it's presumed you didn't really earn your place. If you are an attractive woman in the workplace, it's assumed that you are eye-candy and not a professional. If you are obese, you are labeled as lazy and stupid.
It's these labels that make an individual's path through life either a stroll down the boardwalk, or an uphill climb. And while I have a lot of the positive checkmarks, even overcoming one stereotypical label can open your eyes to the lives of those stuck with labels that can't erase.
So take time to get to know someone new in your life. Whether it's at church, at work, at school or a neighbor; learn who the person is and move past that label you stuck on their chest.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
I'm good at what I do. PAY ME!
Somehow it has become the norm in this society to ask individuals to do their work for free or a very minimal wage. Often the temptation of "exposure" is supposed to substitute for the fact that you don't make any money. We no longer have to live on love, now we have to live on exposure.
If you work as a waitress, the restaurant will pay you $3/hr and expose you to restaurant patrons who are expected to pay for your services as well as their food.
If you are a college student, you are expected by Federal Financial Aid formulas to make several thousand dollars each summer to contribute to your education. Future employers however, want to see that you've worked as an unpaid intern for the experience and exposure to the real workplace.
Colleges feed the adjunct system with the idea that people will teach for almost nothing for the exposure of leading a class which will be good for their resume.
Minimum wage is set at a level that is half of the living wage with the idea that this is a "training wage" that individuals will get for a short period of time until they have exposure to the workplace.
Freelance writers are expected to write for free for exposure of their work to a larger audience.
All of this exposure is a lot closer to the victimization of pornography, then a legitimate on-ramp to the professional world. Just like a lead in XXX films is unlikely to lead to life as a main-stream movie star, taking any of these positions puts the taint of desperation on your resume.
Right now I'm living in that gulf between minimum wage and a living wage. This is a horrible place to be, especially when I consider myself a talented professional.
Lets STOP expecting people to work for free for exposure. And shame on bio-online for calling dnlee a whore for asking how much she would be paid for writing a guest post. Maybe that word jumped to mind so fast since they knew they were the pimps trying to peddle exposure instead of money.
If you work as a waitress, the restaurant will pay you $3/hr and expose you to restaurant patrons who are expected to pay for your services as well as their food.
If you are a college student, you are expected by Federal Financial Aid formulas to make several thousand dollars each summer to contribute to your education. Future employers however, want to see that you've worked as an unpaid intern for the experience and exposure to the real workplace.
Colleges feed the adjunct system with the idea that people will teach for almost nothing for the exposure of leading a class which will be good for their resume.
Minimum wage is set at a level that is half of the living wage with the idea that this is a "training wage" that individuals will get for a short period of time until they have exposure to the workplace.
Freelance writers are expected to write for free for exposure of their work to a larger audience.
All of this exposure is a lot closer to the victimization of pornography, then a legitimate on-ramp to the professional world. Just like a lead in XXX films is unlikely to lead to life as a main-stream movie star, taking any of these positions puts the taint of desperation on your resume.
Right now I'm living in that gulf between minimum wage and a living wage. This is a horrible place to be, especially when I consider myself a talented professional.
Lets STOP expecting people to work for free for exposure. And shame on bio-online for calling dnlee a whore for asking how much she would be paid for writing a guest post. Maybe that word jumped to mind so fast since they knew they were the pimps trying to peddle exposure instead of money.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
#iammargaretmary and choosing not to be an adjunct
Before Dad got sick, I was interviewing to be a tenured-track professor in Chemistry. I'm glad I didn't get any of the jobs because I wouldn't have been an effective teacher and a supportive daughter during the cancer.
But one thing I really did learn when I was interviewing around the country was the dependence on adjuncts, even in small, remote, liberal arts colleges. I also talked to women who were mourning that they waited to have children until they got the brass ring of tenure.
If we really want to know why women and minorities are under-represented in the privileged world of the tenured professor, we only need to look at how many drop off the elitist path to greatness.
Graduate school programs are relatively easy to enter. Graduate universities depend on students to teach the masses and to run the research in their labs. Graduate students are usually earning poverty level wages, while doing 60 hours or more per week in the lab and classroom, then going home to grade papers. While having your lab students finish the PhD is an important checkmark in the tenure track file, students are cheap and the 3-4 year PhD program often extends to 8-10 years. These aren't high school drop-outs, but students who have already earned a Masters degree and our doing the high level research that fills the academic journals. And living in poverty. Coming from a white, suburban background, my parents were able to help with medical and vehicle expenses and subsidize my time in grad school. I gave up a good paying professional job, and lost over $40,000/year in opportunity costs. But that's ok, when you graduate you'll get to be that professor right? For someone without family support, living in poverty while your friends from college are earning a good income is a hard choice. Of course, since the recession, more students are fleeing to graduate school rather than facing unemployment. Too bad when they graduate they face: The Adjunct
Adjuncts get paid $1500-$4000 per course and our part time teachers at colleges, thus not eligible for any type of benefits. Many adjuncts work at 3 or more schools to put together a living salary. Adjuncts perform the same basic role as teaching assistants, but work at community colleges and other colleges without a pool of grad students to teach. At many community colleges 70-80% of courses are taught by these part-time no benefit positions. Many adjuncts begin by thinking, if I adjunct for a year or two I'll be a sure thing for the opening when Prof X retires in a few years.
But adjuncts age badly, the freeway flyer is not a true colleague, she doesn't have time for leisurely office chats, long lunches or Friday happy hour. She probably doesn't even have a desk, let alone an office. She arrives a few minutes before class and leaves immediately after. She has other classes to teach off campus, no time or resources for new research and probably a parking problem. And that tired, frazzled adjunct can't compete with the shiny, new PhDs with fresh publications and time to craft and practice a fancy job talk.
So the small department has a pool of permanent adjuncts that may get a formal interview, but probably will be forced to smile and play nice with the bright new star that the college hired for the new tenure-track line. Or even more likely, all of the candidates will be sent a letter to thank them for their time, but the university has decided not to fill the tenure-track position at the time. But if you are interested 6 more courses are now available and they are looking for adjuncts.
But one thing I really did learn when I was interviewing around the country was the dependence on adjuncts, even in small, remote, liberal arts colleges. I also talked to women who were mourning that they waited to have children until they got the brass ring of tenure.
If we really want to know why women and minorities are under-represented in the privileged world of the tenured professor, we only need to look at how many drop off the elitist path to greatness.
Graduate school programs are relatively easy to enter. Graduate universities depend on students to teach the masses and to run the research in their labs. Graduate students are usually earning poverty level wages, while doing 60 hours or more per week in the lab and classroom, then going home to grade papers. While having your lab students finish the PhD is an important checkmark in the tenure track file, students are cheap and the 3-4 year PhD program often extends to 8-10 years. These aren't high school drop-outs, but students who have already earned a Masters degree and our doing the high level research that fills the academic journals. And living in poverty. Coming from a white, suburban background, my parents were able to help with medical and vehicle expenses and subsidize my time in grad school. I gave up a good paying professional job, and lost over $40,000/year in opportunity costs. But that's ok, when you graduate you'll get to be that professor right? For someone without family support, living in poverty while your friends from college are earning a good income is a hard choice. Of course, since the recession, more students are fleeing to graduate school rather than facing unemployment. Too bad when they graduate they face: The Adjunct
Adjuncts get paid $1500-$4000 per course and our part time teachers at colleges, thus not eligible for any type of benefits. Many adjuncts work at 3 or more schools to put together a living salary. Adjuncts perform the same basic role as teaching assistants, but work at community colleges and other colleges without a pool of grad students to teach. At many community colleges 70-80% of courses are taught by these part-time no benefit positions. Many adjuncts begin by thinking, if I adjunct for a year or two I'll be a sure thing for the opening when Prof X retires in a few years.
But adjuncts age badly, the freeway flyer is not a true colleague, she doesn't have time for leisurely office chats, long lunches or Friday happy hour. She probably doesn't even have a desk, let alone an office. She arrives a few minutes before class and leaves immediately after. She has other classes to teach off campus, no time or resources for new research and probably a parking problem. And that tired, frazzled adjunct can't compete with the shiny, new PhDs with fresh publications and time to craft and practice a fancy job talk.
So the small department has a pool of permanent adjuncts that may get a formal interview, but probably will be forced to smile and play nice with the bright new star that the college hired for the new tenure-track line. Or even more likely, all of the candidates will be sent a letter to thank them for their time, but the university has decided not to fill the tenure-track position at the time. But if you are interested 6 more courses are now available and they are looking for adjuncts.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Rest In Peace: Henry Edmunds Davis
It's been a long seven months, but Dad passed away at 3:45 pm today.
Lots of things haven't processed through my mind yet. The mechanics of death are whirring away, the hospice nurse pronounced at 4:15 pm. The funeral home has removed the body. Hospice disposed of the medication, the medical equipment company will clear out the stuff tomorrow. Cremation will occur in a couple of days after the coroner has signed off on all the paperwork. We'll have a memorial service in Mid-May when we are ready to celebrate his life.
We don't want lots of flowers in the house, plant some native wildflowers in your yard. If you want to make a donation please consider:
UUMAC: The Unitarian Summer Camp that dad was president of when his tumor was first diagnosed 5 years ago. This camp has been an extended church family for both my parents. http://www.uumac.org/wordpress/scholarship-donations/
Musella Foundation: VirtualTrials.com is an important advocate for brain cancer research and helped support the research that gave Dad a great quality of life for most of the past 5 years. http://www.virtualtrials.com/
Lots of things haven't processed through my mind yet. The mechanics of death are whirring away, the hospice nurse pronounced at 4:15 pm. The funeral home has removed the body. Hospice disposed of the medication, the medical equipment company will clear out the stuff tomorrow. Cremation will occur in a couple of days after the coroner has signed off on all the paperwork. We'll have a memorial service in Mid-May when we are ready to celebrate his life.
We don't want lots of flowers in the house, plant some native wildflowers in your yard. If you want to make a donation please consider:
UUMAC: The Unitarian Summer Camp that dad was president of when his tumor was first diagnosed 5 years ago. This camp has been an extended church family for both my parents. http://www.uumac.org/wordpress/scholarship-donations/
Musella Foundation: VirtualTrials.com is an important advocate for brain cancer research and helped support the research that gave Dad a great quality of life for most of the past 5 years. http://www.virtualtrials.com/
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